I Love the Now

For Marie, Lauren and Brian….I will need your help and I hope to help you all as well as we make plans for the next chapters of our lives which remain unwritten.

“So how are things?” my friend inquired, as she settled into the chair next to me, taking a sip of her pumpkin ale.

She had just finished telling me about moving her oldest son back to college.  I sensed she was still a bit apprehensive a full two weeks since the “move”.   It turns out he transferred from a local college about 20 minutes from their home to a university located in North Carolina. 

On another note, her younger son has decided he is going to try out for the middle school cross-country team.  She laughed saying that while she was proud of him and the fact that he was trying something new, she had no idea if he would like this new activity.

It’s funny how open and honest friends can be when describing our kids’ activities to each other.  There doesn’t seem to be this need to put them up on some sort of pedestal or proclaim their eventual nomination for the Nobel Peace Prize.

Remembering I visited California last year, she recounted a business trip she recently took to San Diego.  She described in great detail, the ocean views and laid-back feeling she had experienced during the evenings when she was able to break away from her work responsibilities and enjoy the nearby beach environment.   She smiled when she told me stories of her family enjoying their beach house together this past summer.

She described her current case load, her love of writing legal opinions, the satisfaction and challenges her career still offers.  I told her I admired and envied her for her ability to still have a true passion for a career choice she made 30 years ago.  Like many of us baby-boomers, she and her husband work extremely hard, make daily sacrifices, but in the end love their lives and careers, warts and all. 

“I think this is going to be our best decade” she said, motioning to me that she would like another beer. 

“Now what about you?” she laughed, her seasoned interrogation skills now kicking into gear.

“I’ll tell you what” I replied, “I’ll get us a couple more beers, I’ll put on some Allman Brothers (music) and answer that question in just one minute”.

What about me…..

First off, I’m glad I’m 51 years old.

Yes, you heard me correctly!  Let me explain.

My back is sore when I rise from bed each morning.  I often think about the melanoma scare I had back in January.  My next colonoscopy will be in three years instead of the normal five years since a polyp was discovered last year.  A couple of speed bumps, but I am truly blessed to be healthy in mind and body. 

At this stage in my life, the only thing that has me perplexed is that age old question – What am I going to be when I grow up?  A real life “Pirate Looks at Fifty”.  Anyone who is familiar with the popular Jimmy Buffett song will truly understand the musical reference, especially when the singer questions himself: “Mother, mother ocean, after all these years I've found…. my occupational hazard being my occupation is just not around”.

What about my chosen career?

The employees’ ages late twenties through early forties who work for me at the Big Box Corporation already despise their jobs and careers.  A few just got married.  One employee just had her first child.  They are busy choosing mates and preschools, buying houses and mini-vans.  I’m so glad I’m past that stage in my life.  If they are dissatisfied with their careers now, how are they going to feel in another 30 years?  So yes, I’m glad I’m on the tail end of my (first) career path.

I’m using my current employment arrangement as “funding”.  Let me explain.  I have no desire to have that “corner office” job.  In fact, I gave up on that mirage many years ago.  Over the years, I’ve seen so many colleagues chase that mythical dream, only to be consumed in the process, with very few achieving the happiness they ‘thought’ would come as a result of all those long hours and sacrifices they made for The Corporation. 

My next accounting job is eventually going to be just like my current accounting job.  At this stage in career/life, thinking it will be any different is plain foolish.  So, my primary objective now is to collect that bi-weekly paycheck while I plan for the next phase of my life.  That stage of my life where I will actually enjoy building something that will take me well into my retirement years!  Doing something that defines me.  I am now The Corporation.  “Meet the new boss, not the same as the old boss”.

My plan includes growing my photography business, expanding my income tax business and developing my freelance writing career.  That plan also includes purging the contents of my mind, life and house.  I’m greatly looking forward to that cathartic release of disposing all of that clutter that once defined me, which now serves zero purpose for where I expect to be going in the next couple of decades.

While there is a certain amount of trepidation I feel about not having my next steps perfectly planned out for me as in the past (marriage, kids, mortgage, etc……) there is a counter-balancing feeling of freedom knowing I can (soon) step off the hamster wheel and live the life I was intended to live! 

The Allman Brothers “Dreams” (song) comes on my iPod.  That familiar organ instrumental introduction to a song I heard countless times through the years.  A brief silence ensues.

“Is this Dreams?” she asks.

“Yes” I reply.  Laughing I say, “How appropriate”.

“Well, here’s to our dreams!” she exclaims, each of us raising our beer bottles together toasting our health, good fortune and future plans. 

I agree.  Here’s to us.  Here is to living in the present, living in the now. 

Memo to Scott:  There is no master plan.  Frankly, there never was!

There are still a lot of open boxes not filled in on my life “flowchart”, but I’m no longer terrified of having to have all the answers to be able to pass go and collect $200.  I’m tired of analyzing each and every last detail to death before committing myself to action.

I’m excited (and nervous) about the changes that are happening in my life.  I believe there is a benefit to being slightly unsure on how things will turn out.  The unknown can cause you to retreat, I’m choosing to proceed.  Perhaps using my temporary ‘fear’ to motivate me into a proactive approach, instead of my more customary and approach of ‘wait and see’.

I’ve started a photography business with my best friend.  I’m in the process of being less dependent on a corporation that doesn’t have (and never did) have my best interests in mind.  I’m anxiously awaiting my daughter’s college graduation next year.  We are planning on selling our home and moving to the ocean in the next few years.  We are getting ready to make changes, try new things and live life outside the lines.

Life is not a straight line.  I’m finally learning that.

Not sure where I’m going……but I’m loving my life right now!

Sittin' on “G”
Waitin' on “O”
I'm exactly where
I want to go

“I Love the Now” (Jimmy Buffett)