My New Brand: "Goofy Foot"

Recently, my billion-dollar employer committed $75 million to a new globally based branding strategy. Our new logo, accompanied by print ads and virtual content, will be seen in trade publications, TV ads, newspapers and cyberspace in the coming months.

This got me thinking ...

In response to this announcement, I called an emergency meeting of my Board of Directors to address these latest developments. In the big bad business world, it’s either kill or be killed, and since I have way too many outstanding items on my growing Bucket List, I felt I needed to be guided by the experts when it comes to matters of this magnitude.

The time has come to reinvent G. Scott Kern!

The economy is in the toilet, global outlook sucks, consumer confidence is at an all-time low. I need some ideas here! Nothing is off-limits—except the hair!

Financial weighed in first: You do realize we have a limited budget. We’re thinking someone along the lines of Jeff Bridges as a potential spokesperson. Now, we cannot afford the Dude personality due to a recent spike in his The Big Lebowski cult hero status, and nobody remembers The Fisher King role, so we’re thinking Crazy Heart here. Listen up: Aging professional, seeking redemption, young at heart, one more chance, plays well to the late 30s through early 50s demographic. We can test market this, but we believe this is our slam dunk marketplace. I think there’s a huge upside with solid numbers here. America loves an underdog!

R&D was next: Okay, given the early 60s backstory with your mother—drank and smoke during the pregnancy due to the lack of awareness back then. Car seats were not yet invented, probably multiple undiagnosed concussions due to head trauma. Also a steady diet of bologna sandwiches during your teen years. We’re still waiting on the final conclusions from the bio-tech sector, but this could play well with the Bridges' character scenario as suggested by the bean counters. We could possibly jump on the current athlete “donate brain to science” craze, which could score some points with the philanthropy folks. Need some input from Legal here, though.

Marketing chimed in: Well, if that’s the case we can definitely play to the individualistic aspects of the brand. Wears sneakers to the office, L.L.Bean backpack instead of Italian leather briefcase, never seen without his iPod and Ray-Bans, strong aversion to Blackberry and smartphones. “Goofy Foot” is an oft-used surfer term that describes an unusual surfing style. Reportedly coined from the Disney folks. In some early 50s Disney cartoons, Goofy can be seen riding his skateboard with his right foot forward. Again, need some help from Legal to check copyrights with both the surfing community as well as the Mouse People. Goofy Foot also lends itself well to logos. Let’s check with the design folks and commission some early drafts and storyboards. Let’s make it appeal to an early 50s, hip but sophisticated crowd. I’m thinking Mad Men angle here. All that retro stuff is the bomb now! You know, chic business attire with a casual feel. Neutral-colored dockers with smart bowling shirts and Reyn Spooner resort wear. The individual accountant, lone wolf, apart from the crowd—has promise!

Public Relations followed: Okay, we’re going to need some music here to build on the print and TV ads. Jimmy Buffett is out of the question. I think Financial will agree he’s way too expensive, plus Legal tells me he’s got a team of shark lawyers on retainer that search the world for “Margaritaville” trademark violations. How about 70s classic rockers Yes? Hang on, hang on here. Think about it: Good karma and strong positive message. However, not sure we want any “photo ops” with these guys, as they are well into their 60s, plus Steve Howe looks a little scary these days. We’ll have to build some street cred with some of the newer bands. Read that the Foo Fighters referenced them in a recent issue of Rolling Stone as an early musical influence. Let’s fact-check that and then promote the hell out of it! Foo Fighters were just on Jimmy Fallon recently. They are everywhere now! Might bring in the late 20s and early 30s demo. 

Good work here folks!

I like this new line of thinking. Embrace the change, dare to be different Mojo! It’s a salmon swimming upstream kinda thing. I think this has a lot of potential.

We’re on to something. Not sure exactly what, but I like the momentum we’re building. This could be big!
Okay, let’s update the Mission Statement and I think we’re good. Are we good?

Next order of business?

The Home Team

Hello….everyone.  My name is Scott and I’m a “Homer”.

Hello, Scott.  Welcome. 

The guys gathered last night to begin our 2011-2012 poker season and watch Game #2 of the NLDS.  The featured game was our home town Philadelphia Phillies versus the visiting St. Louis Cardinals.  I had informed Marie that we were going to take over the family room big screen instead of the smaller TV in my game room.  She did not seem to mind.  Reason # 685 why I love that woman!

To a man, each of us was sporting a Phillies’ shirt, cap or both as part of our evening apparel.  Keep in mind, unlike women who discuss (for hours) what attire and accessories will be worn before the big night out; no calls, e-mails or text messages were needed for these dudes.  It is second nature, like knowing beer goes well with all the major food groups. 

Lauren was watching the game at her boyfriend’s house before heading back to college.  Truth be told, Brian has done wonders these last few years, helping my daughter gain an appreciation of the local sports teams as well as gain a better understanding of sports in general.  As such, The Kid is scoring major beau-coup points on the early son-in-law leader-board!

We (fans) have long ago learned that we must wear the “colors” on Gameday to hold sway over the opposition.  Okay, so besides wearing jerseys and caps of the local teams, how exactly did I become a Philly sports fan?

For me, it was definitely my Grandpop Martino (my mom’s dad) and of course my father who took the time to explain the hallowed sport lineage of the Philadelphia teams to me.  Like DNA passed down from generation to generation, I was taught the basic “Rules of Philly Sports” first as a youngster growing up in Northeast Philly and then a few years later living in the suburbs of South Jersey.  Maybe these will sound familiar to you as well…..

1)      Bobby Clarke was a Hockey God.  But we don’t count Bob Clarke’s years as Flyers General Manager.

2)      Dallas Cowboys may be America’s Team, but we hate them here in the City of Brotherly Love.

3)      Speaking of hate…..we hate all teams from New York, whether they actually play in The Big Apple or in that dump collectively known as the Jersey Meadowlands.  Old school NY teams or expansion NY teams, we despise them all.  Repeat after me, we despise them all.  Apologies to Brian and Jack, well sorta…..

4)      Pete Rose may have been banned from baseball, but he taught a bunch of good but not great Phillies how to win a World Series Championship in 1980.

5)      Dr. J was not only “The Fish that Saved Pittsburgh” (horrible basketball movie) but was a real life basketball star that helped the Sixers win it all in 1983.

I have vivid childhood memories of being at my grandparent’s house during certain holidays when sporting events were on the television 24/7.  The Phillies were my Grandpop Martino’s favorite team!  And when it wasn’t summertime, college basketball games ruled the Martino television airwaves.  Because of grandpop, I could recite the entire starting lineup of all the Big Five (city) college teams better than I could my multiplication tables.

When I returned back to my home turf, my dad schooled me in all things baseball and football.  Together, in the early 70’s, we learned about this “new” sport called ice-hockey and came to love the local team nicknamed, The Broad Street Bullies.  I had my infamous “Sex Talk” during a Saturday afternoon baseball game - Mets v. Cardinals in the early 70’s.  Guess mom was out the house that day?  I can also remember being ten years old and only being able to stay up for the first two periods of the Flyers games on a school night.  However, in the morning when I came downstairs for school, there would be a small slip of paper on the kitchen table with the results of last night’s game with my dad’s handwriting: Flyers 3 - Bruins 2.  The news seemed better than my (then) favorite breakfast consisting of Pop Tarts and ice cold milk.

We religiously wear the home team jerseys in public, while outwardly proclaiming our undying allegiance to our favorite sports teams.  In recent years we have also taken to wearing the elementary, high school and college teams’ jerseys and jackets of where our kids attend or teams that they participate on, as we cheer mightily for (their) Home Team.  Like some sort of Civic Pride initiative we band together with these people (fanatics) holding the same sports ideologies near and dear to our hearts!  We even find ourselves secretly cheering along, when our alma mater college team advances far into a Final Four bracket or wins a college football bowl game.  Bumper stickers and team logos routinely grace our cars and team flags fly in the front yards of our homes and attached to our cars.  

We rejoice out loud and seem to walk with a “lift” in our step and a subtle “smile” in our hearts when we awake in the morning knowing The Home Team won the Big Game last night!

Admittedly……it seems pretty ridiculous that this fifty year-old man even cares about the game last night or the playoffs at this stage in my Life.  Deep down it is really my ten year old Inner Child that hopes and prays that this is the year the planets align and my favorite childhood team – The Home Team goes all the way!

After all, the beauty of all sports competitions is that this year……yes……this year…..I truly feel will be our year.  It is something that cannot and will not be defined by science or logic.  I can just feel it.   If we can only obtain a goalie, a middle relief pitcher and offensive line….then maybe, just maybe…this will be the year!

You see……sports franchises are not (truly) owned by billion-dollar multinational companies or even millionaire entrepreneurial owners.  Invariably all teams will change colors and logos, players will get traded and acquired, managers hired and fired and even on the rare occasion, teams will be relocated in the almighty name of Economics and Greed. 

In the end, the Home teams survive and exist because of the Fans. 

In our most passionate, crazy, ill-advised and glorious moments…..it is we The Fans that remain the lifeblood of the Organ-I-zation.  I mean how else can you explain the popularity of WIP Sports Talk Radio?  We buy the tickets that fill the seats in the arenas and stadiums.  We rejoice in the victories and curse the defeats.  We dissect the games and strategize the on-the-field moves from our offices, homes and in front of our personal computers.  We perform this ritualistic behavior, week after week and season after season.  And each year we collectively gather like some crazy mass Therapy Session, drinking the Orange, Red or Green Kool-Aid (depending on the team) and look to the heavens proclaiming “Sports Gods, please let this be Our Year!”

Dear God,

Screw the Company’s freaking 401-k retirement savings plan.  Besides, it really will not matter, as I will more than likely still be working when I’m 80 years old.  Instead, before I die, please let me have (at least) one more Flyers and Phillies Championship Season.   This will guarantee a ceremonial parade that I can attend with my daughter and father, so that I can truly die a happy man!  Until further notice, please move this latest request ahead of trophy model wife, hole-in-one and beach house.

Respectfully,

Dyed-in-the-wool Philly Sports Fan

I type these words as I stare at my daughter’s high school senior prom photo.  A photo showing Lauren dressed in a beautiful gown and me in my Winter Classic Flyers jersey.  What did you expect?  It was the same night as Game # 7 of the 2010 Flyers v. Bruins Eastern Conference Semi-Finals game.  I ask you – Is this not normal behavior?  Please do not answer this utterly rhetorical question.

It started with my Grandpop Martino, my dad, me and now my daughter.  It’s my God given right and obligation to pass along these legendary Philly sports stories of (occasional) triumph and (mostly) heartbreak to her.  To attend the games with her in person and watch them on television with her when our busy schedules are in agreement, just like I did years ago with my father and my grandfather. 

What she does with this sacred Philly sports knowledge will be totally up to her?

PS – God, just kidding about that 401-k comment above.  My bad.  No hard feelings, right?  Oh yeah, that last sentence is just between you and me, remember God and human “privileged communication”.   Go Phillies!